Sunday, November 1, 2015

Thoughts of Suicide:My Battle with Neurofibromatosis

Photo by Joseph J. Meier
I was washing dishes. I was angry and crying silently. I purposely broke a glass and held it to my left wrist.
My brothers were in the family room laughing. Their laughter made me even angrier because I was not able to participate in their joy. I had just turned 18 and felt ugly, alone, worthless and lost.

I was still upset over the fact that I did not get kissed for my 18th birthday. Almost a month later, I was more furious and empty. I could not understand why I was incapable of sharing the laughter that should have been contagious. Instead, I shunned myself and washed dishes.

I just felt hollow. I was not able to see a day ahead let alone a future after high school. The Summer seemed endless and pointless. Going into my senior year of high school was absurd. Nothing seemed to go right. I was unknowingly depressed and only sinking more and more into my depression.

I held the glass to my wrist for what seemed like hours but in reality could have been seconds. My mind and body dissociated. I saw myself holding that broken piece of glass with the sharp tip to my wrist. I could not recognize myself. I saw this fragile 18 year old trying to escape the pain of rejection. Somehow, and till this day, I cannot explain how I put the broken glass down and walked away.

I did not open up about my suicidal ideations until years later because I felt ashamed of myself for wanting to die or hurt myself. When I finally told someone in hopes of getting support, he just ridiculed me for not going through with it. Despite everything that I have gone through in my life I am happy that that day I did not cut my wrist.

I still have bad days. Days I do not want to leave my house, but I still do because I know that that is what I need to do. I cannot shun myself and wash dishes anymore.

If you are feeling suicidal, please call The National Suicide Prevention Line at  1-800-273-8255.