Saturday, July 29, 2017


In August of 2015, I blogged about the possibility of having my 18th surgery, but I decided to postpone it because the timing was not right. Thankfully, I was able to wait without any repercussions. But now, surgery 18 is happening, and I could not be more nervous and scared. I will have my eighteenth operation on Wednesday,  August 30th.
After over ten years I will be going under the knife once more, this time I will have fibromas removed from my back that I find to be too big and bothersome.  The surgeon will also attempt to correct a botched surgery that I had in my right eye from when I was a teenager.  The surgeon wants to not only fix the damage done by a previous surgeon but also make my right eye more ethically pleasing. 
I am finding myself more nervous about having to wear an eye patch for four to six weeks than the surgery itself. I do not like the idea of having this big black circular thing on my tiny face. I get anxious just thinking about it. I feel like the walls are closing in on me and I have no escape. When the surgeon told me about his plan and how I would not be able to use my prosthetic because I needed time to heal I almost told him to forget about it. That is how much I dislike the idea of wearing an eyepatch. 
I 've tried using an eye patch before, and that did not go very well. The last time I wore my eye patch this guy tried taking it off! I've written blog posts about my apprehension of using it and have weighed in pros and cons, as it turns out I rather people look at my face and gawk at my eye than having people guess what I am hiding under it.
"The Patch" describes my first experience of wearing an eye patch out in public. I now realize I did it so that I could please family that kept insisting I try it. My second eye patch post details my dislike towards them and how some family members have always wanted me to wear them.

So now it looks like I have no other choice but to use the one accessory in my closet that I despise. I'll have to use it for about a month...unless I decide to become a hermit crab and never leave my house.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

NF and 'Anorexia'

" I love my body," I've said never, but I don't hate my body either. I do however like my body and one day I know I will love it. The truth is after years of harsh bullying and body shaming I am just now coming to and appreciating my petite figure and curves. I was bullied for being "too thin" and was accused of being anorexic multiple times.
Growing up I was made to feel ashamed for being thin and petite. I really disliked and hated my small frame. I was ridiculed for not having a voluptuous body, for being flat-chested and for not meeting beauty standards. I went through a phase in which I seriously considered having breast augmentation in order to fit the mold just a little bit.
The taunting became so bad that I  started internalizing the comments and actually began to believe that there was something seriously wrong with me. As a teenager, I would stand in front of the mirror naked and point out every wrong and ugly part of my body. I would tell myself, " So not only do you have NF but you also have no boobs or ass. What guy would ever find you attractive?"  I essentially was bullying myself.
The saddest part of this story is that growing up I also heard from my family and friends that I did have a beautiful body, that my small petite frame was proportionate and perfect, but that did not matter because the voices of my bullies were louder. And so that was my reality until I stopped liking the reality that I had created and started reevaluating everything. Little by little I started to like my body and learned how to appreciate my small frame. Now, at 30 more than ever, I am thankful I did not have a boob job or any other unnecessary surgery. What also helped me through this process is that the two boyfriends I've had never failed to tell me that they found every inch of me sexy. I do not want to give them all the credit, but being told that you are beautiful (and sexy) from someone other than your brothers does help.  It took me a very long time to consider myself sexy because I was told by so many that I was anything but sexy.
So, I do not love my body but I do like it. I appreciate my small frame and curves. I am healthy and NOT  anorexic. People still do comment about my thinness but it no longer bothers me because I ignore the comments even if they are meant as compliments. 

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Brave at 30

Happy 30th birthday to me!!!

Yep, I am 30! I never thought I would reach my 30s and be as happy as I am right now, but truth be told I would not have it any other way. You see, when I was 15, I told myself that by the time I was 30 I would be a published author, happily married with at least two kids and traveling the world. Well, reality check, I am happily single but open to finding love, I may not be a published author but I blog and share my story with anyone that wants to read it. And I do have two fur-children. So, I am not doing too bad. In fact, I am doing better than expected.

I am just now realizing just how brave I actually am, I mean my family and friends have been telling me all my life but I never really thought about it until recently. I do not know why I am just now realizing it and I am not about to question it because that is not important. What is important is that by me recognizing this I am now giving myself more challenges and opportunities to make mistakes. I've always been afraid to make mistakes because I didn't want others to say, " Oh she has NF, that is why she failed." I know, sad, but by having that mentality I was only failing myself.  So no more, I am leaving that thought process behind, and telling myself every day just how brave, smart, funny, and beautiful I am!

And by the way, you too are brave!!