Saturday, July 21, 2012

Love... Or Something Like It......

Love, this simple four letter word holds as much power as one atomic bomb! 
I figured out at an early age that my life was not very common and that I would not experience the same 'rite of passages' as the majority of my peers, especially when it came to high school.Nonetheless, I did want to experience the typical things such as learning to drive, having a job, joining extracurricular activities, and having a boyfriend. My freshmen year of high school I joined the swim team and became a member of multiple school clubs, I also learned how to drive, and during my junior year of high school, I found a job. Overall my high school experience was great! The only missing factor was the l high school sweet heart.  I knew that one would be a difficult one to accomplish especially when you spent a better part of you primary education being made fun of and being shunned by a majority of your classmates. Despite all this, I still believed that I would one day find love
On multiple occasions, various classmates would tease me by telling me that I would never have a boyfriend because I was not pretty enough. Although it did hurt my feelings to hear this from my peers, I did not let it get me down because the people that mattered the most to me never shared the same thoughts as my school peers did. That was until someone that was part of my inner most circle said the unthinkable, he said " Angela, you having a boyfriend will be almost impossible because men are too superficial and well look at you." That was properly one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever told me because it came from someone I actually cared for and loved. I, unfortunately, believed him and gave up on my hopes and dreams of ever finding my prince charming. In a way, I agreed with him because at the time I was twenty and I had yet to have my first kiss, so that should have been a clue that I would not have a boyfriend.
And then I met him! The one that broke the spell and gave me my first kiss!! I was twenty-two years old. Not only did he give me my first kiss but he also became my first boyfriend, and although he and I are no longer together he made me realize that sometimes people really don't know what they are talking about. =) He was my prince charming for a short time, and he was just what I needed to get back on the horse and realize that I should not let others put my dreams, hopes, and wants down. 
I don't know when I will meet my next prince charming, but I know he is in my future because I already met someone that broke the spell and took his time to get to know me and found me to be more than your average gal! To him, I was a lot more than attractive, beautiful, funny, sexy and smart. To him, I was the girl that stopped him right in his tracks, and for the period we dated I was the most important person in his life. I was his girl! 
We are all deserving of being loved and finding love, the mere fact that I have NF does not exclude me from experiencing such! 

Monday, July 9, 2012

My Choice

I recently had a conversation with a new friend about choosing how to live life in general. We spoke about NF and how we choose to live our lives and how NF affects us. I might not have control over the disease itself, but I do have control over how I live my life. Now I'm not going to lie and say that moping isn't easy because in reality feeling sorry for yourself is a lot easier than waking up each morning with your head held high; but you know what, I choose not to do that to myself. I rather get beaten up time after time and pick myself up than to let myself be consumed by any and all negative emotions. I don't need them and don't want them. Living this way is not easy. Yes, I've had moments in my life in which I've fallen hard and thought I wouldn't be able to pick myself up again, but I have each and every time. And the funny thing is we all get beaten up once in awhile. It's like belly buttons, we all have them.
Several people have asked me how is it that I'm such a happy, smiling person if life has dealt me " shitty cards" as one acquaintance puts it. I always reply by saying that the other option is a lot less pleasing. Despite what others might think or believe I have no reason not to be anything but happy and filled with joy. Other than my NF I am a very healthy person, I have no other medical problems. I am able to work and go to school. I can do anything I set my mind too and be successful at it. I've already proven to many that neurofibromatosis does not by any means own me, I own it!
I don't feel sorry for myself and I don't expect others to either. Why would you? The way I see it I really have nothing wrong with me. So what if I have  monocular vision and some bone abnormalities. So what if I have NF? 

I choose to be positive and optimistic. I choose to believe that I am capable of accomplishing all my goals. I choose to smile and laugh and enjoy life. Why would I want anything but that? I don't understand how we can be our  own best friend but instead choose to be our biggest enemy  I will not take part in that. I vow to enjoy life and not let lives little bumps pull me down.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

I have NF

I was born with Neurofibromatosis type one. I've had over a dozen surgeries to correct my birth defect, and I'm blind from my right eye. I couldn't have written it any less bluntly, but there's no other way of saying it. It's the truth, and there's no sugar coating. I recently turned 25 and have realized that despite having NF it does not define me by any means. Yes, my physical appearance is not typical but then again is there such a thing as 'normal' nowadays? For a long time, I used to think that having NF would prevent me from having a productive life due to not having a 'normal' physical appearance. I had my first surgery when I was 8 days old to relieve the pressure that Congenital Glaucoma caused due to  NF, and at 18 I had my seventeenth surgery to correct some bone growth abnormalities that once again was caused by my NF. When I was a little girl, I would pray to God that I would wake up one day and my face and right eye would be beautiful and even on both sides. I wanted to not have Neurofibormatosis because growing up with this disease was not easy and still now as an adult, I face difficulties that the average person does not and will never face.
During my school years, I was bullied not only for having a facial deformity but also for having a petite figure. In second grade a classmate of mine made a comment about my eye color and how ugly I looked. Since I had lost my eyesight in my right eye at a very young age, my eye color had drastically changed from being hazel to almost black. I have always had a small frame, and that has come at a price, I was once accused by a girl in one of my classes that I was anorexic because I was thin and she was not.
When I was in seventh grade, I received a note from several classmates that were folded in three, on the top flap it read " A closer look at Angela" when I opened the paper completely there was a drawing of a monster. I remember looking at the picture for a couple of seconds, and all I could hear was their giggling. I took the note and threw it in the garbage can; needless to say that as soon as school let out and my mom picked me up from school, I burst into tears. My years in middle school were the hardest years for me, I spent most of my sixth -eighth-grade years crying and not wanting to go to school. I looked forward to Fridays and hated Sundays. Thinking about it now still, makes me want to cry.
Once I reached high school I figured things would get better, and they did, but my peers still found ways to let me know that I was not part of their "clique." Thankfully, I had my older brother to protect me and make me feel better. I also met some of the best people in the world, I met people that today I consider family! They saw past my NF and saw the goofy, silly, sweet girl that I am ( that's how they describe me).

****** To Be continued******

If anyone reads my blog, please let me know!! =) I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks