After four years of working in a stable job, I find myself without work; I woke up the day after my last day of work and laid in bed processing everything that transpired that led to my resignation. I am now, fully aware that due to my lack of self-confidence I was unable to do my job well.Now, I know many of my friends, which are also my colleagues, will disagree with me because they have seen me grow from a Specialist to a Supervisor in the four years I worked at the agency. Unfortunately, I do not agree with them entirely. I do not agree, because I have incredibly high standards for myself.
My therapist once told me that I was a perfectionist and hypercritical of myself. My supervisor once said to me that I do not let go of my mistakes, I cannot dispute either because they are both correct.
I have not been bullied since I was a teenager, but somehow I do it to myself. Doing this causes the same effect as when I was being ridiculed for something I have no control over. I continue to put myself down and doubt myself at every corner. I second guess myself and hesitate on just about everything I do. I am unable of letting go of mistakes; instead, I grip onto them which hinders my personal and professional growth.
When I was younger, I did everything in my power to remain in the shadows. I did this to protect myself because I thought that if I stayed unseen and unheard, I would not be made fun of for having a disfigured face. I reasoned that if I remained invisible and silent than they would not be able to say that my mistakes or inability of doing x,y, or z was directly linked to NF. It didn't work because no matter what kids still found a way to bully me.
Ironically I have hurt myself a lot more by living in the shadows than by being in the spotlight. I was forced to leave the comforts of being invisible the day I became supervisor of Gateway Services. I honestly thought that I could do my job well while remaining unseen and unheard, however, after a year and a half as a supervisor, I stand corrected, and without a job.
In May of this year, I started having panic attacks before going into work something that I never before experienced. Sometimes, I would have them while sitting at my desk, I would stare at the report I was working on and could not process the information I was reading. My supervisor did her best to help me process and to create various coping techniques, but at the end of the day, it is my responsibility, and that is why I have left a job that I love.
I need to be comfortable with being in the spotlight because if I want to continue having a successful career, I will need to be seen and heard.
