I've always been told by family and friends that I am one of the bravest and strongest individuals they know, but I beg to differ. A few weekends ago, I opened up to a friend about one of my biggest fears (driving), without missing a beat she looked at me and said, " how can you be afraid of driving? You have inspired me so much! I will help you conquer your fear!" She then gave me a tight hug and reassured me that she would help me conquer my fear because she would not let my fear overtake me.
Yes, I have overcome so much, but yet, I feel, at times, like I have not done enough to be called "brave," " strong" " fearless" and many other adjectives that I have heard throughout my life. This has been a focal point throughout the five years I have seen my therapist. In my most recent session, we talked about the "mountains" I have conquered, and how I must first climb down the mountain I am currently standing on, in order to climb another. My response to him was, " I haven't climbed any mountain, I am just standing on a hill." His rebuttal, " why are you making the mountains hills? Hills are still mountains!" I looked at him, and my response was, " I am minimizing everything I have overcome and accomplished." He nodded and smiled. It was at that moment, believe it or not, that I realized just how incredibly cruel I still am to myself.
My next reflection was that this kind of cruelness and self-loathing has nothing to do with the fact that I have NF, see from one eye or my anxiety. It has everything to do with the sad fact that I am just plain cruel.
So in just a few weeks, I am turning 32 years old, and I still have my learners permit! Part of me is really ashamed and embarrassed because I know how to drive, I just have not taken the drivers test. For heaven's sake, when I was sixteen, I drove the family van! I just get very nervous and anxious behind the wheel. I swear to you that my legs feel ten times heavier and numb only by the simple thought of me driving. The other part of me is entirely comfortable with not driving, but I am fully aware that being comfortable is not always the healthiest option.
My friend has kept her word, she has 'forced' me out of my comfort-ness and pushed me to drive. She has been really great through all this and has given me the confidence to drive! Not to mention, we have been driving in her car! she has trusted me with her precious car!!
My goal for this year is to get my license and purchase my own car. I can no longer continue living in this comfort zone because I am only hurting myself. I know I can do this..., right?
