The Eye Test

 I've been failing my self-administered eye test. A few weeks back, my friend Chantal took me out for my birthday. Our first stop was CW's Gin Joint, followed by Hotel Bar. When we walked into Hotel Bar, we found two empty stools by the bar and planted ourselves there. We casually started talking to the mixologist and another patron. After getting our drinks, we casually continued speaking, but I suddenly turned my attention to a conversation that was being held by the mixologist and with a gentleman I later learned was named Alex. After a few short minutes of back and forth, the bartender exited the conversation to attend to new customers, but Alex and I continued speaking. 

CW Gin Joint

He looked at me and said, " You know, I know you." I was taken aback as he shared that he attended USF's This is My Brave; his friend and fellow member of This is My Brave 2024, Ciara, invited him. I was in awe as he went on to say that as soon as he walked into Hotel Bar and saw me, he wanted to talk to me and thank me for sharing my story. He urged me to continue sharing it because others needed to hear it. He went on to say that my face was the first one he saw on the show's playbill and that he was intrigued but in awe after he heard me speak. It was during this conversation that I learned about the eye test that atheists are put through. 

I have to admit, I've been revisiting our conversation on and off since that night. Not because he showered me with compliments but because he taught me a huge lesson. Since 2022, I've simply been making quick decisions and judgment calls based on my current state. I have been dismissive of all the collective attributes that I possess and instead have been telling myself I am not worthy. 

Honestly, the negative talk has been excessive. The saddest part is that I am so good at it that it catches me off guard at times. Even though I have actively worked on correcting the negative talk this year, since my conversation with Alex, I've been more conscientious about my internal conversations. Yes, my body is different, and for the better part of a year and a half, my body was rejecting a foreign
object that was supposed to keep me safe. I was on two strong antibiotics, and I was underweight, depressed, and anxious all the time. I was not okay. 

Today, I am better. I am not 100% sure, and that is okay because I am aware that every day brings its own challenges and, more importantly, rewards. My new goal for this 37th year of life is to pass my own eye test.