Yes, we are totally exposed when we are vulnerable. Yes, we are in the torture chamber that we call uncertainty. And, yes, we're taking a huge emotional risk when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. But there's no equation where taking risks, braving uncertainty, and opening ourselves up to emotional exposure equals weakness.- excerpt from Brené Brown's Daring Greatly- I highly recommend reading this book; the insight you will gain is priceless.
Whichever way you look at it, being vulnerable is scary and uncomfortable. I share this because the fear of being vulnerable is not exclusive to having NF; it's the anxiety all humans experience. Opening up your heart and letting someone in is frankly terrifying. It is the pinnacle of vulnerability. It becomes significantly more problematic if previous experiences were not so good. Nonetheless, I believe it is a positive experience to dive right in and swim in the ocean of vulnerability.
My biggest fear is rejection, especially from someone I am interested in being more than friends with, and yes, I am fully aware that we all experience rejection. However, I want to take a moment and discuss what it feels like to be rejected for something that you have no control over because this is something in particular that not everyone will experience.
My facial disfigurement caused low self-esteem and confidence as a teenager and well into my mid-twenties. I did not feel beautiful, and therefore I did not believe anyone else would. Despite not feeling pretty or attractive, I still craved to have a high school sweetheart. I wanted my own Hollywood movie. Spoiler alert, I graduated high school never having been kissed! -Get it, Never Been Kissed, Drew Berrymore's 1999 movie? So technically, I did get a Hollywood movie ending.-
Even though I've experienced being crushed on and being a girlfriend, I still at times struggle with realizing that I am beautiful, attractive, and worthy. I am still very much terrified of not having my feelings reciprocated and of being rejected. These insecurities cause me to be hesitant about dating, especially after my three-year relationship ended.
After a couple of years of being single and healing from an unhealthy relationship, I felt ready to join the dating pool again. I downloaded a dating app towards the end of October and found an instant connection with Bluto. Our conversations were fluid, easy, and at times profound. I took a risk when I told him about my 20 surgeries, NF, and prosthetic eye. I figured he had already seen pictures of me, so he knew I had a facial disfigurement. Why not tell him why I look the way I do? He would either unmatch me, or we were going to continue talking. His reaction could not have been better; our conversation continued that day and the following.
After almost two weeks of continuous conversations, we decided to make plans and meet. I was beyond excited! The Saturday we were supposed to meet, he messaged me around 5 am apologizing because he had to reschedule. I was disappointed, but I understood, life can throw curve balls that we have to catch. So we rescheduled after he explained what happened. We agreed to meet the following Saturday. When Saturday came, he messaged me early in the morning requesting we reschedule to meet on Sunday because he forgot he had to take his elderly mother to the hair salon. I was not as understanding this time, but I was still eager to meet him, so I agreed to meet him on Sunday.
I woke up Sunday with butterflies in my stomach; I had no cancellation messages, so I figured we were still on. I got dressed and left my house around 11:30 am to meet him for lunch. I arrived at the tavern, went inside, and sat at the bar near the entrance. After fifteen minutes, I called Bluto, but it went straight to voicemail. I did not bother leaving a message. Instead, I walked back inside and ordered a beer and food.
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| Waiting for Bluto |
