In February of 2018, I had one of my most significant panic attacks. I had just returned to work, from having major surgery. It had probably been a week when I quietly started having a panic attack that started during a meeting and lasted until I left work a few hours later. I remember my chest tightening and a knot forming in my throat midway through the meeting. My brain stopped processing information, and I was unable to speak. After the meeting, I went to the bathroom, cried in a stall, and then washed my face. When that didn't help, I did a few laps around my building, I sat at one of the picnic tables and again cried. After some time had passed, I once again washed my face, walked into my office, put on earphones, and zoned out until my shift ended.The job that I loved had become a trigger for panic attacks. I dreaded going into work. I stopped enjoying the challenge of supervising 30+ people. I became resentful, and everything was negative. No matter how hard I tried to turn things around, I could not find the positive. I cried myself to sleep on most nights, I distant myself form everything I enjoyed. I barely cooked, wrote, or took long walks with Ki-Bo.
By mid-May, I had told the program manager of the department that I did not see myself working at CCTB in five years. It was both the best and worst decision I have ever made. I felt the tension release after I told her how I felt, but at the same time, from that moment on, she would ask me when it was that I was resigning as supervisor. I put in my notice at the end of September, my last day as supervisor of Gateway service was October 1, 2018.
To make things more complicated, In August of 2018, my ex walked into my life once more. After almost two years, since our relationship ended, I saw him again, standing in my driveway with the words I wished to have heard when we were still together, " I am sorry. I am sorry I hurt you. I don't want to live with you not in my life." As much as I loved him and what we had, I knew then and still do now that our story had ended and there was not going to be a sequel.
The same day I decided to put in my two weeks notice I bought airfare to visit my family in Colombia. I did not have specific plans or things I wanted to do. My goal was to find my inner balance once more. After all, I needed to find work upon my return.
As 2019 is nearing its end, I can happily say that I have no regrets on any of the decisions I have made that have led me to where I am today. Ironically, I could very well find myself unemployed on January 1, 2020, the company I currently work for will be closing. I've known this was coming since April, but I am not worried, I know that I will find myself employed soon enough.
Like I've said before if NF hasn't been able to break me, nothing will.
