Finding My Attractiveness....Again

I am a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic; I create love stories in my head as I lay in bed, in the shower, or while I stare blankly at my computer screen instead of writing a case note for the meeting I just had with a client. I imagine all the adventures we will have, the meals we make, and even the fights and the reconciliations. Basically, I create an entire relationship in my head. The last mental relationship I started was with Tats, aka Stretch. The details of when or how I met Tats are not necessary. What is important is that I fell for him; Tats became the main character of my love story because I needed someone to replace Lovebug, someone to fill the void he left. 

Tats entered my narrative where Lovebug exited. I imagined Tats standing barefoot, Colombian beach sand beneath him, standing tall, wearing cream linen pants ( even though he hates wearing pants), and an ivory short-sleeved Colombian guayabera. Our family and friends standing around him as I make my grand entrance and walk toward him to celebrate our union. We would have our first kiss just as the sun touched the water. Yes, I am fully aware that this sounds corny, but it's the story that Lovebug and I wrote together, and even though he is no longer in my life, I still want to experience this.  

Chattanooga, TN. 1/2023

The true story of Tats is that there is no romantic story to be had; Tats is a sweet, friendly, intelligent, caring, handsome, and ridiculously tall man that I crush(ed) on. Unfortunately for me, we did not want the same things. When we first met, he told me he was attracted to me. I became all giddy with the idea that he was attracted to me. Tats was the first guy I was drawn to after my breakup with Lovebug. He was the first guy I allowed myself to develop feelings for post-Lovebug. I was excited to share myself with someone I intentionally saw a future with; however, this narrative I created in my head and heart was not reciprocated. Tats was honest and told me that despite being attracted to me, he did not want more than some fun.  I, too, want to have all the fun, but I also want more, and just because he is not going to give me everything does not mean I need to deny myself the fun that we both want. 

I've always questioned my attractiveness and, therefore, at times, doubt those that openly tell me they find me attractive. I know it stems from insecurities and low self-esteem that play into my depression, leading me to believe that someone cannot see me as beautiful. I know it's a damaging and hurtful cycle,  but I am aware of this and work on my inner voice daily. So, after undergoing surgery last year and seeing my new facial appearance, my self-love plummeted. The hateful voice became louder, my insecurities strengthened, and my fear of being unattractive became more real. 

My date with an Airman back in August only confirmed my insecurities when I received a text message a few days after our date saying, " ... I don't think I'm interested in continuing our exploration of each other. My decision is really just based on the difference in lifestyles." I call BS on that statement. How different can our lives be? After all, he was the one that reached out first on the dating app. I was honest on my profile and spoke openly about my NF and the surgery I was recovering from. I had recent pictures, so he knew how I looked. He was the one that wanted to meet in person. 

So I have two thought processes on why he made that statement. Irrationally, I believe he realized after meeting me in person that I was not worthy of his time and not pretty. I would be more of a problem, having to explain to family and friends why the right side of my face droops and why I have scars and a "bump" on my face. Rationally, I believe he realized that he could not handle being with someone like me, not just because of my NF and facial difference, but because I am too much of a woman for him. Despite currently being depressed and lacking self-love, I am not meek; and some men do not like women that are strong-willed and independent. 

Sadly, these days I tend to be more irrational. Thus my fear of being unattractive and not having my  Colombian Beach wedding feels real. Rationally, I am aware that I need to first work on myself. I must redefine my attractiveness before seeing others have always found me worthy and attractive. Because for all I know, Tats never stopped being attracted to this 5'2" petit Colombian chick. 

Art by: Banksy, Banksyland Exhibit St. Petersberg, FL. 2/2023