Scared but Brave

 The hardest part of my recovery from surgery is not at the start but towards the end. When the stitches are gone, the swelling is minimal, and the pain is at its lowest; this is when the most challenging part of healing begins. My mental and emotional health is at its peak at the start, but I break down right when the finish line is in sight. 

I have to be honest; I do not like the reflection I see at this moment. And yes, I get it; I still have at least six months left until I see the final results of this surgery, but I am scared. In past surgeries, the swelling went down to reveal a new face. A face that is more aesthetically pleasing. 

However, this surgery has caused my face to be even more asymmetrical than before. Prior to surgery, I had a consultation with the PT/OT department in Moffitt. I learned that due to the type of surgery I was having, there was a possibility that I would develop lymphedema. Lymphedema is permanent. 

In the best-case scenario, I would not develop lymphedema, and worst-case scenario, the lymphedema could go from the right side of my neck and extend down to my arm. Additionally, due to the swelling and the impacted areas, I could have secondary effects like trouble swallowing, altered speech, and persistent weakness in my right arm. I have what my nurse recently called "minor lymphedema." 

Photo was taken 1-17-2022

I am two months into recovery, and although I see improvement in my physical appearance, I still have significant swelling. Again, I am aware that this last one has been the most invasive out of the 23 surgeries I have put my body through, but I cannot help but feel insecure with the final results, even though I am nowhere near the finish line. 

 

Healing from 23rd Surgery (Updates)

 I am two months post-surgery, and the healing is ongoing. I am not going to lie; recovery has not been easy. It's not about the pain, the itchy scars, or the swelling. It's the fact that I am not 100% yet according to my standards and my timestamp. In my opinion, I should have already crossed the finish line. Instead, I am on mile marker seven on a ten-mile race. 

Dr. Patel informed me that I should anticipate recovery to be six to eight weeks, and here I am, two months in and still waiting to hear those magical words from him, " Everything is healed, call me if you need anything." What I consider setbacks, he anticipated. As he has explained, the skin flap is heavy, and due to past surgeries, it will take my body longer to heal. Parts of the skin flap have continued to open, exposing the titanium mesh. I now need to allow my body to work its magic. The wounds will close on their own. 

There has been progress, but I have at least two areas of concern. During my last appointment on Monday, March 14, Dr. Patel said that if the wounds do not heal within a month, he would need to put me under general anesthesia and stitch me up again; this I vehemently do not want. 

I am desperate to return to my 

Photo was taken 1-16-2022

life placed on pause due to recovery. I want to go out and enjoy the sunshine. Feel the sand under my toes and smell a mixture of sunblock and ocean. I want to cook. I want to wear heels and wedges and do my make-up. As crazy as it sounds, I want to clean! Pick up the broom and sweep! On that note, I got reprimanded by my mother and family friend, a physical therapist, for sweeping. To my defense, that day, I felt fantastic and strong and capable of sweeping the perimeter of my kitchen. However, I will admit that I knew I should not have been cleaning, but I am a rebel ( sorry, not sorry (input evil laugh)). 

I know that I need to be more appreciative and loving with myself and my body. After all, undergoing 23 operations is not an easy feat. My incredible body has never betrayed me, so why should I lose faith now? I cannot. I will not.