On Depression

Cupid's Unde Run 2017, photo by Angela C. Velilla

What do you do when you are feeling down? When you are depressed and seem to be unable to pull yourself out of the deep dark hole that you have fallen into? 
Feeling sad or being depressed is something that does and can affect every single human on this planet. And so, since it is not related to NF, others may be more relatable with coping mechanisms for depression than with understanding how it is to live with NF. 
 My biggest bought of depression was caused by my father's infidelity and soon after leaving the family home. It took me a very long time to pull myself out of that hole and even though I have not been that depressed in a really long time, it does take constant work to keep myself somewhat even-keeled. Now I am no expert, but I would like to share with you a few things I do to keep myself emotionally healthy and positive. Please feel free to share your tricks on staying emotionally healthy and positive. 

5  SELF CARE TECHNIQUES 


1. Talk: talk to someone you trust. Someone that will listen to the words not spoken. They may not necessarily be able to "fix it" but the simple fact that they are lending you their ears will suffice. 

2. Laugh: Even though it may be hard, laughing will make feeling sad more bearable even if it is just briefly. Laughing may not cure your depression, but it will allow you to feel "normal" again. So, surround yourself with people that know how to make you laugh. 

3. Cry: It may sound counter intuitive but crying is very healing. When we cry, we are able to release a lot more of what is weighing us down. That is why after having a good-hard cry we tend to fall asleep.

4. Sleep: Now this one is much more challenging because when we are sad or depressed, we either tend to under sleep or over sleep. It is imperative that we try to find a happy medium. Too much or too little sleep can have catastrophic effects on the human body. 

5. Be active: Walk, run, dance, swim, etc., Do any physical activity outside your normal routine. Now, I'll admit, I am not much of a gym gal, but I do take Ki-Bo ( my dog) on daily walks. Walking Ki-Bo not only helps me but is also good for him. 

These are just five simple things that you can do to keep yourself emotionally healthy. Now, I know that we all do our own unique things that keep us above water so please share your ideas below.  


 
 
 

I am an NF Advocate

I hope that by now you, my audience, have realized that the reason I write is that I want to advocate for others that like myself have been born with Neurofibromatosis and are at times struggling to cope with it. I am very well aware that NF affects all of us differently and that my blog only speaks about me, but I hope that by reading my struggles and most importantly my accomplishments I will be able to help promote hope and a love for life.

I have always strived to be honest and open because that is the only way I can let you know that despite having NF I live a normal life. But there are times that I do disconnect from this platform because I need time to refocus and figure out how and what exactly I am going to share. Because after all, I am sharing my life and it is not always easy.

So the reason I am going down this rabbit hole is because I have been absent for the past few months due to going through a lot of interpersonal struggles. Many times I began writing about x,y, or z but never completed my story because I was not motivated. I could not shut down my brain enough to allow myself to freely express what was on my mind.

For the first time in a long time, I do not know what to make of life. The constant stability that I had carefully built is no longer there. And although change is good it is not always easy. I am growing and developing at my agency, but it is a slow process. I am starting to not be afraid of driving. I am wanting to go to graduate school but have yet to take the steps towards that.  And finally, I have to get reacquainted with myself because after three years I am single again.

We are a month and 3 days into 2017, and it has already been challenging enough to make me not want to keep on exploring the many possibilities. But I will not give up. I will continue growing and developing either in my current job or another. I will keep driving. I will go to graduate school. And finally, there is no question in my mind, I will find love again. I know all this because I want all of it!!

Oh yeah, join or donate to my Cupid's Undie Run team!!
Angie's Awesome Angels

Cupid's Undie Run: Angie's Awesome Angels

Let's do this again. Cupid's Undie Run St. Petersburg is back! You can join my Triple A Team where fun is guaranteed! If you are a little more reserved, and rather not see me or anyone else in their fundies, you can make a donation that will go towards research to find a cure for NF. So what do you say, will you be part of the third annual Cupid's Undie Run? Last year my team raised $335; I think we can do much better than that!! 

Cupids Undie Run 2015

Cupid's Undie Run 2016

N.F. Stands for Not a Freak

 At times I feel as if am caged in with a dozen people surrounding me with their wide eyes and pointing fingers. Sometimes I feel like I am wearing a big neon sign that reads, "Laughing and pointing are welcomed." It is as if people feel entitled to glare at my appearance for the simple fact that I look different.  I am not a freak. I am a human being that happens to live with NF.

Scream Queens, Warts and All
picture  taken from tvequals.com

I am going to jump on the bandwagon here and talk about my dislike towards the ill informed episode that recently aired on Scream Queens. The episode titled, Warts and All depicted a charter, Tyler, that was living with a severe case of Neurofibromatosis type 1. The show, which describes itself as being horror-comedy, described Tyler as a monster that used to be hot before his body was invaded with fibromas. 
The show called the benign tumors bubble-like warts. One article even described fibromas as pimple-like tumor. I can assure you that my fibromas are not pimple-like whatsoever! In the first place, pimples develop on the surface of the skin. Secondly, pimples do go away, mostly by popping them. Guess what? My fibromas do not pop and unless surgically removed will not go away. In fact, they get irritated and can bleed if I mess with them too much. 
I tried to force myself to watch the episode, but I could not bear it. What I saw was disgusting and far from funny. 
How is it possible that a show like Scream Queens, with so many fans, is allowed to make light of a real disease? I find it very offensive that the show had the audacity to claim that Tyler could be cured by using a laser that could potentially remove all the tumors making him hot again. At the end of the episode, Tyler dies after the treatment failed.Which is not surprising as there is no cure to date for NF. The show could not have ended any other way because then the fans of the show would actually believe that with a very expensive laser my mom would no longer have the fibromas that cover a good part of her body. 
The show also failed to mention that NF affects everyone differently. In my house alone, NF affected my mother, brother and me in very different ways.I know that the show is not supposed to be educational but pure entertainment. It is unfortunate that the opportunity was not taken to educate their audience on a disease that could very well lead to death. I just hope that the people that saw the show were curious enough to do their own investigation about NF because that way they would realize just how wrong their weekly entertainment was. 
I am not a monster.I am not a freak. Sadly, some people think I am. Thankfully, those people are insignificant to me.  
 

Surving NF:Suidcial Thoughts (part 2)

Let's talk about suicide, because it can no longer remain a taboo subject. It is highly important that we are all able to talk about suicide without feeling odd or uncomfortable.You never know when you can save someones life by just asking, "Are you having suicidal thoughts?" I wish someone would have asked me that question when I was 18 years old, because I truly needed to feel validated and understood. Last November, I shared with you one of my most difficult moments ever. I shared with you my suicidal thoughts and my near attempt.

Even though I never cut my wrist that night, I did not stop having thoughts of self-harm for the longest time. In fact, I kept spiraling further and further into depression, I lost weight, strength and motivation in life. Things got a lot more difficult after I graduated high school because I found out that my father had been having an affair with a family friend. After my father left, my depression only got worse. I felt completely lost and alone.

Despite the countless nights of crying myself to sleep and fighting for every breath I took, I never attempted to hurt myself again. I forced myself to get up and out of bed every morning, to go to class and to work. I even forced a smile or two. I did whatever I had to do to keep myself from hurting both physically and emotionally.

 It has been ten years since I attempted to hurt myself and lot has happened during that time. I have graduated college, fallen in love and found work as a crisis counselor. I speak to men and woman from all walks of life, young and old, because depression and suicide do not discriminate. I have been lucky enough to have an extraordinary support system that have carried me through my depression and have never stopped. Unfortunately, not everyone counts on everyday support from home. Thankfully, there is help and support. If you or anyone you know is going through a difficult time, including having thoughts of suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Line.

"Try Everything"

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

I messed up tonight, I lost another fight
I still mess up but I'll just start again
I keep falling down, I keep on hitting the ground
I always get up now to see what's next

Birds don't just fly, they fall down and get up
Nobody learns without getting it wrong

I won't give up, no I won't give in
'Til I reach the end and then I'll start again
No I won't leave, I wanna try everything
I wanna try even though I could fail
I won't give up, no I won't give in
'Til I reach the end and then I'll start again
No, I won't leave, I wanna try everything
I wanna try even though I could fail

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Try everything
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Try everything
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Try everything
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Look how far you've come, you filled your heart with love
Baby you've done enough, take a deep breath
Don't beat yourself up, don't need to run so fast
Sometimes we come last, but we did our best

I won't give up, no I won't give in
'Til I reach the end and then I'll start again
No I won't leave, I wanna try everything
I wanna try even though I could fail
I won't give up, no I won't give in
'Til I reach the end and then I'll start again
No I won't leave, I wanna try everything
I wanna try even though I could fail

I'll keep on making those new mistakes
I'll keep on making them every day
Those new mistakes

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Try everything
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Try everything
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Try everything
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Try everything

Challenges of driving with NF: A Rainy Day Story

On this day, the last day of August, I will share with you a rainy day story, since it has been not stopped raining since 5:00 am, and it does not look like it will stop raining anytime soon.

On rainy days, I like to stay inside the house, with a nice cup of tea, wrapped in a blanket, and entertaining myself with various sedentary activities like reading a book. However, sometimes I feel adventurous, and I go outside in the rain and get soaking wet as I wait for the bus to take me to my final destination: the University of South Florida.  You see, I am a 29-year-old woman living in Florida that does not drive.  You may ask yourself how that is possible, but it is not as though I do not want to drive, or that I do not know how to drive. I know how to drive, and I have driven.  However, I am not very confident behind the wheel.

When I took Drivers Ed. in high school, I had some difficulties and was not able to drive much and never took the final for my license. I did continue to drive with my dad, but then he left, and life got more complicated. I drove a few times with my brothers, but that never worked out because my confidence level never improved. My best friend drove with me a few times, and she was great, but she moved, and I just stopped driving altogether.

It seems that there has always been something preventing me from driving, or so I thought. The only person that has been stopping me from driving has been me! I know that now, I need and want to drive because it is important for my well being.

Thankfully, Joe has gotten me to drive and has helped me gain confidence in driving. He has also talked me through one of my scariest panic attacks ever over me getting behind the wheel. He has been motivating me to drive because he knows it is important.  Unfortunately, we have had some set backs because the car has not been working very well and my mom does not want me to drive her car unless it is in better conditions.

photo by, Hung Trug, taken from Facebook

I have NF, part 2

It has been four years since I started my blog of battling and surviving NF. My first blog, I have NF,  was about NF affecting my life in all areas, and how I have overcome it. Without knowing it, I have been giving myself therapy by writing my struggles and short comings.

When I first began writing, I was still in college and struggling to find meaning and motivation for the career path I had chosen. I was in a very unhealthy and self-destructive relationship, and I was still trying to make sense of my father's infidelity which lead to my parent's divorce. In 2012 I was emotionally lost and burnt out. I was trying to find meaning to life.

Now, four years later, I can happily and honestly say that I am no longer the same person I was in 2012. I graduated college and shortly after began working in the Crisis Center of Tampa Bay.  I finally ended the emotionally draining and damaging relationship with the person I thought I loved. By putting an end to that relationship, a great man was put in my life, a man that has truly shown me what love is. And although I have not fully healed from my father's infidelity, I am in a better place.

This year I turned 29. It brings me to tears to recall the young girl I was before I began writing because I do not like the person I was and who potentially could have become. But I have to own up to those emotions and experiences because I would not be the person I am today if it were not for my struggles and heart breaks.

So, I am 29 years old and live with NF, so what? I will never, not have NF, so why just focus this blog on NF? I am so much more than neurofibromatosis.  I have said this so many times before but have not shown it on my posts. I need to practice what I preach. So, you get to know Angela as a whole not just NF Angela.

Let's end with a few updates:

I did not write a June post because I was in Colombia visiting family and reconnecting with my roots. I simply did not have the mindset to write a post.

I got a promotion at my job. I am now a Lead Intervention Specialist! With that being said, I also got MVP for the month of June!